Whose Responsibility ?

This time we move on to look at the issue of responsibility. This is often confusing. If I

make a comment to someone - even though it was kindly and sincerely meant - and

they get upset or take offense, is their upset my responsibility?

Take the example of a father who needs to tell his son it is time to go to bed, and no, he

can't watch the rest of the film on TV, he needs to sleep and be up in time for school.

The boy is angry and resentful and reluctantly goes to bed, feeling little love for me

even though my action was based on my love and care for him.

There is a principle here: another's choices and creations (which includes their

emotional responses) are their responsibility, not yours or anybody else's. In the same

way that jealousy is less than love, since it resents the other's freedom to choose, to be

themselves. This might seem like a cold or hard-hearted view but really it is based on

love and respect for the other person's freedom.

So what is your responsibility? What if you do something wrong. Take this example: I

promise my son to go to the circus with him, but then I'm too busy and don't have time

to go, and he is understandably upset. For me, breaking my promise has been a wrong

action on my part, and I would be responsible for it.

The conventional wisdom is that I have caused my son's grief. In truth however, it is

my son who causes his grief, not me. But yes, it was still be a wrong action since I

promised to take him to the circus and didn't. I am responsible for doing what I think is

right, according to my ethical judgment. If I do something wrong according to my own

ethics, I am responsible for that. I decided my work was more important than keeping

my promise - in retrospect I may realize I made a mistake, apologize to my son and

learn from that experience. I am not responsible for my son's reactions though, that is

his determinism, his freedom, his life.

If you do something you think is right and someone gets upset about it, even if you

could have predicted that, the upset is nevertheless that person's responsibility. And if

you do something you know (or later realize) is wrong and another person is upset

about that, their upset is similarly their own responsibility.

Another example: if you were to withhold doing personal development because your

partner has said they do not want you to change in any way, perhaps because of their

personal fears and insecurities, that is your choice. But if you consider making a better

life for yourself is the ethical thing to do - for the benefit of yourself and ultimately for

others too - and you tell your partner that and she gets upset, it is your partner who is

responsible for the upset - it is her interpretation of your actions that creates her own

upset, not your action in itself, which is a responsible action.

You can genuinely love someone whilst nevertheless doing something they don't like or

agree with. You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do, though you still

understand and have empathy for their different viewpoint (which causes their

emotional reaction) which they have created by their own choices and belief system.

If one only did things others can easily accept then the status quo would never progress.

That would truly be a trap. The solution here is better communication, leading to

increased understanding of each other's viewpoint, and therefore acceptance of the

differing personal realities.

There is a strong imprint in our culture to feel sad, guilty, etc. for painful emotions our

actions may cause to others. There's a general misconception that you are your

emotions. "I am angry" and "you make me angry". This is conditioning not truth. In

terms of cause and effect, it's a viewpoint at effect. Some say that to be happy, only do

what others can easily experience - it's the same lie.

The Church teaches "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you". I believe this IS

true, as if you are being ethical - acting from integrity, being true to your self - then it's

going to be OK for others to do the same to you. And if it isn't then you'd better re-think

whether you are indeed doing the right thing. It is one definition of a 'wrong' action:

that which you would not like another to do to you.

You are responsible for your choices, decisions and actions. For being true to your

judgment. For communicating with honesty and integrity, developing and maintaining

an open mind, and promoting understanding and empathy. For never compromising

your freedoms and rights nor trampling on another's. For always acting from the

primary motivation of love. That's all and quite enough.